"ما هرگز هیچ کس را دوست نداریم. ما فقط ایده خودمان از اینکه کسی چگونه است را دوست داریم. ما ایده‌ای از خودمان را دوست داریم. خلاصه اینکه ما خودمان را دوست داریم."

What this quote is getting at is pretty simple. It’s saying that when we think we’re in love with someone, we’re actually in love with our own idea of them, not the person themselves. It’s like falling for a character in a movie rather than the actor portraying them. We build up an image in our minds based on our desires, fantasies, and perceptions, and that's what we end up loving.

This idea has deep roots in philosophy and psychology. For instance, it’s closely related to the concept of projection in psychology, where we project our own feelings, desires, and attributes onto others. Historically, philosophers like Friedrich Nietzsche and even writers like Fernando Pessoa, who might be the origin of this quote, have explored similar themes—how our perceptions shape our reality and relationships.

Let’s say you meet someone at a party. They seem charming, witty, and kind, and you start getting this idea that they’re your ideal partner. You don’t know much about them yet, but your mind fills in the gaps with attributes you desire: they’re probably good-hearted, supportive, adventurous. You fall in love with this idealized version of them. But as time goes on, and you get to know them better, you might discover they’re not quite like your original idea. Maybe they’re a bit moody or aren’t as adventurous as you thought. This is when reality starts to clash with your idealized version.

So, how do you apply this wisdom? Start by recognizing that your initial impressions and feelings might be colored by your own desires and fantasies. Take the time to really get to know someone and see them for who they are, not just who you want them to be. Be mindful of your tendency to idealize and try to appreciate the actual person, with all their flaws and quirks. It’s about moving from a fantasy to a real, grounded appreciation.

Imagine sitting with your best friend at your favorite coffee shop, chatting about relationships. Your friend is frustrated because their partner isn’t living up to their expectations. They’re disappointed because they’re not as ambitious or as spontaneous as they hoped. You could share this idea with them, suggesting that maybe they’re more in love with their idea of their partner than the person themselves. Encourage them to see and appreciate their partner for who they truly are—maybe they’re steady and reliable instead of spontaneous, and that’s got its own kind of beauty.

It’s like peeling an onion. When you start, you have this whole, shiny thing that looks perfect. As you peel away the layers, you might find some bits that are discolored or bruised. But as you get closer to the core, you appreciate the complexity and depth of what’s inside. Similarly, real love involves peeling away the idealized layers we put on people and appreciating the genuine, sometimes imperfect person beneath.

So next time you find yourself falling for someone, pause and ask yourself: Am I in love with them, or with my idea of them? Then take a step back and try to see them for who they really are. It’s a practice, something we might have to remind ourselves of continually, but it can lead to much more fulfilling and genuine relationships.