Funny Quotes

"I don't know how many times someone has come up to me and said, "Hey, Let's dance!" I hate dancing. God, it's stupid." "I feel sorry for people who don’t drink because when they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day" "The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog" "I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you have started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." "Funny people say funny stuff off the clock." "Time to make the chimi-f***ing-changas" "Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon. I am the first man to piss his pants on the moon. (It was said humorously, so it's less well-known.)" "I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park" "Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts" "Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry."