Funny Quotes

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age." "There's 206 bones in the human body, 207 when I'm watching gossip girl." "It’s a Bazooka-meets-slighty-embarrassed grin kind of thing." "I never forget a face but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception" "I'm thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose." "From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere." "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know." "Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep." "I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys" "This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays." "I swear, I'm the least funny person on the planet… mgaaaah!!" "I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone." "I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add" "I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone" "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time"