Humor Quotes

"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it" "To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job" "A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men" "We have so much time and so little to do Scratch that reverse it" "I think that everyone should get married at least once, so you can see what a silly, outdated institution it is." "There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts" "I'd give my right arm to be... ambidextrous" "Wit and humor do not reside in slow minds " "Being a comedian is the closest thing to being a rock star." "Nothing is funnier than unhappiness." "After all, what is a pedestrian? He is a man who has two cars - one being driven by his wife, the other by one of his children" "I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond." "A hard man is good to find." "I don't believe in being serious about anything. I think life is too serious to be taken seriously." "When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."