Humor Quotes

"A foolproof plan cannot be wise-proof." "When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home." "The comic is the perception of the opposite; humor is the feeling of it." "I asked a ref if he could give me a technical foul for thinking bad things about him. He said, of course not. I said, well, I think you stink. And he gave me a technical. You can't trust em." "If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up" "I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes" "Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases" "Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom." "Well, you know the thing you wear around your neck that holds your ID badge? I call that a bungee cord because no matter how far you try to run from your job it always snaps you right back into your cubicle." "The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated" "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter" "A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory" "I'm too good for my own good, I won't leak the album, I'll let it spill" "A philosopher is someone who won't take your watch away to tell you what time it is" "I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty"