Humor Quotes

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that dogs think humans are nuts." "I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information." "Fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That's like... sixteen walls." "From the studio that inexplicably sewed his f***ing mouth shut the first time, comes... me!" "I don't believe in a lot of things, but I do believe in duct tape" "I don't like to lie, so when I do, I try to make it more interesting." "Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." "The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook" "You can't just take something, put it in a different context and expect it to be funny" "I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one " "Military justice is to justice what military music is to music." "Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped." "I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that." "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know." "No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early."