Humor Quotes

"There are some important differences between me and Tony Stark, like I have five kids, so I spend more time going to Disneyland than parties." "I'm actually making history tonight as the first person with Asperger's to host SNL. Or at least the first to admit it. So I won't make a lot of eye contact with the cast tonight. But don't worry, I'm pretty good at running human and emulation mode." "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying." "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me." "How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?" "I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland." "Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it." "Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things." "And when there isn't anything around to make me laugh, I make something up." "Comedy is acting out optimism." "You hit like a vegetarian" "My comedy is different every time I do it. I just throw stuff at the wall and see what sticks." "I can resist everything except temptation." "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments" "If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty"