Humor Quotes

"If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster" "When kids hit one year old, it’s like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit." "The thing about comedy is that if you bring me to a festival, I’ll definitely kill, but if it’s just regular folks, then you’ve got something worth talking about" "I intend to live forever. So far, so good." "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world." "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" "I only take Viagra when I'm with more than one woman." "There's 206 bones in the human body, 207 when I'm watching gossip girl." "My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style." "It costs a lot of money to look this cheap" "I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blond" "All work and no play is a good way to get to know the janitor on a first name basis"