Humor Quotes

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy" "Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage" "If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." "A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist." "Love - a temporary insanity curable by marriage" "The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog" "No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade be " "Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement" "I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting" "Life is a joke, and death is its punchline." "I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years." "I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you have started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." "In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on TV." "There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo."